10 Bad Habits of Low Self Esteem
10 Bad Habits that Keep your self esteem down
The first step in improving your self esteem is being able to recognize the limiting behavior patterns. This can be difficult at first as behavior is unconscious to you. The way you act is a set of automatic patterns that take over in any situation. These patterns have been developed since childhood and have become habitual. Before we can drop these patterns like a bad habit, we must become aware of them. Therefore I have included what I believe to be the 10 most common signs of low self esteem. Below are the points that will assist you in turning the unconscious into conscious.
Approval Seeking Habit
This habit refers to always looking out for the best interests of the other person. It means sacrificing too much of your own effort just to make the other person happy. The cost to you involves disregarding your own wants, needs and desires. A person with an underdeveloped sense of identity will experience the following thoughts:
- If I express myself I may evoke disapproval
- If I love and affirm myself I may evoke resentment
- If I am too happy with myself I may evoke jealousy
- If I stand out I may be compelled to stand alone
Such people are frozen at times of challenge. They are living for an illusion in someone else’s mind which they hold more important than what they think. Unfortunately when it comes to self esteem only your judgment of yourself really counts.
Approval seeking results in very stable behavior. Passivity and submissiveness are the key characteristics of approval seeking. It results in saying neutral things, never taking chances, afraid of self expression as these may be wrongly accepted. You never find yourself in conflict as you are always submissive to the other person. Assertiveness is a skill that you can only dream of. Furthermore, without an ability to stand up for yourself you are highly susceptible to manipulation. In any negotiations you find yourself on the losing side.
Unable to Give or Receive Compliments
Receive Compliments
Some people act rattled when they receive a complement and they do not know what to say or do. They usually diminish the worth of the compliment by saying “it was nothing”, “it was really easy”, “it’s no big deal” or “anyone could have done it”. This creates an awkward social situation for both parties involved. The ideal way to receive a compliment is to look the person in the eye and say thanks. Simple, straightforward and the interaction is natural for both parties.
Give Compliments
On the other hand to give a complement is to express your opinion. Some people with a low self esteem completely avoid giving compliments of any kind. Others do so in a hesitant way as if unsure of their observation. They express the compliment with doubt and uncertainty. The best way to express a compliment is to give it immediately after the behavior and be direct about it.
Seek out instant gratification
Low self esteem individuals engage in instant gratification. Low self esteem breeds traits like avoidance, withdrawal, passivity and the view that opportunities are rare. As a result their behavior is driven by fear, anxiety and a scarcity mindset. For these reasons if there is a chance of a reward they prefer instant gratification.
Delayed gratification is the ability to resist gratification and wait longer for a better reward. To apply delayed gratification you need the belief that: there are abundant resources and opportunities in life. The person also has to have an internal locus of control and have control over their life.
The Stanford marshmallow experiment reinforced the principle of delayed gratification. A child was offered 2 choices by the experimenter. First, the child could receive an instant reward (a marshmallow). Secondly, if the child wanted to wait until the experimenter came back (usually approx 15 mins) then the child would get a larger reward (2 marshmallows). Years later the experimenter conducted a follow-up study and found that children who were able to wait longer for preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes. As adults the group that delayed gratification gained higher income jobs and lead a healthier life.
Feeling Guilty when you say “NO”
A person with low self esteem feels exposed in interactions with others. Whenever someone makes a request to them, they feel obligated to fulfill the request. This person will go to extreme measures just to assist the other person. Later, if they believe that the request was unreasonable they will feel resentment towards the other. There internal dialogue might sound a little like: “How could he have asked for X” or “He should have known better then asking me”. There is also the concern that if a person refuses another they may inconvenience them or cause a conflict.
However, in the odd situation where the person places a priority over their own needs and denies the request. Then they may feel guilty for being an inconvenience to the other person. Low self esteem breeds a limiting belief that “if I do not help others then I are selfish and self centered”.
It is a dangerous loop as the person has a choice of either feeling resentment or feeling guilty. The reality is that relationship boundaries are non-existent. Basically the person with low self esteem fears rejection so decides to go with the flow, whether or not their action is for their benefit.
Feeling Guilty when something good happens to you
Low self esteem leads to self sabotaging behavior. Each person has a self concept and deep down believes what they are worth. If you believe that you are unworthy and undeserving to experience life’s pleasures then you will unconsciously manipulate your reality to match your inner image of yourself. Let’s consider lottery winners and their misfortune. Approximately 90% of lottery winners lose everything they won within 5 years. The subconscious takes over and ensures that you act in accordance with your self concept.
This principle relates to self respect: I am lovable. A person with a high self respect will take feelings of joy and fulfillment as a natural birth right. With high self respect you are comfortable with success and you believe that you are deserving of love and respect from others and are entitled to happiness.
Inability to Handle Criticism
Another area which poses you a threat is criticism. Essentially this is a fear of a negative review. This is usually combined with an external locus of control therefore criticism is hurtful as it is coming from a place of power and authority. To avoid this painful experience you withdraw from activities and resort to passiveness.
For those that try new tasks they may apply this second approach to criticism: Self-Criticism. The logic behind this approach is that if you beat the other people to the punch, then they will not have a chance to criticize you. Hence you degrade yourself in front of these people.
A source of this uncontrollable fear is your false interpretation of mistakes. The chances are that for you all mistakes are devastating and it is wrong to make mistakes. If you make a mistake you see yourself as a failure and you expect others to instantly verbally attack you.
A more realistic approach is to view mistakes as learning opportunities. Throughout history, the great achievers have always gone through huge lists of mistakes to achieve their goals. Some say that Thomas Edison failed more than 9,000 times before he created the light bulb. The best approach is stated by Richard Branson: “Do not be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again”.
This uncontrollable fear of criticism leads to passivity. Aristotle nicely stated: There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. An uncontrollable fear of criticism will eventually lead to avoidance and withdrawal. The life becomes one long journey of passivity.
Comparing yourself to others in order to feel better (for a brief moment)
Comparing ourselves to others is a fast approach to misery. There will always be someone in a better situation than you as there will always be someone in a worse position than you. It can be a quick way to temporarily feel better but it doesn’t last.
The person with high self esteem sets himself a goal and strives to achieve it. They compare themselves to their progress and decide how best to achieve their goals faster. However to be able to engage in this type of goal setting it is very important to answer one question: What do you want.
Reactive to anything someone says
A person with low self esteem has an external locus of control. For them the source of judgment, power and authority is in another person. They do not act independently but rather mirror the emotions of another person. If the other person is sad then they are sad, if the other is happy then they give themselves permission to be happy. Low self esteem causes a person to be void of self expression and independent thoughts and feelings. This person will mirror the other person who they believe to be the authoritarian judge of their behavior. If the other person accuses you, then you are super quick to explain yourself or justify yourself as you will go to any means necessary to avoid a negative opinion about you.
The opposite is having an internal locus of control. This is the healthier option as ultimately you are your own judge and place of authority. You are free to express yourself, your opinion, feelings and emotions. This is a place of power which leaves you feeling in control and more relaxed during encounters. With this power inside, you decide when to act and are not rattled by other peoples’ expectations, opinions or accusations.
Afraid to ask questions: Accept everything at face value
Low self esteem means that you are unsure of your own ability, your mind, and you fear disapproval. For this reason during encounters with others you have a tendency to accept information at face value. This leaves you at a disadvantage because on occasion you are afraid to ask questions and get the clarification you need. You are afraid because you think to yourself: “what if my question is a stupid question” or “is it appropriate for me to ask for more details”. A lack of participating and enquiring for sufficient information may be a sign of low self esteem. This trait also leaves you open to manipulation, as manipulators always present only information they want you to see and hide any relevant facts.
Giving All your power away and always finding yourself on the bad end of the stick
In interactions, if you do not have healthy self esteem you are ruled by this limiting belief: other people know what’s best for my interests. The chances are you developed this belief during childhood and have not given it a second thought just gone ahead into life with it. By allowing other people to be in control of your life you are left to chance of ever achieving what you want. Other people do not know your desires, wants and needs. You must know these for you. There is a nice quote by Jim Roth that symbolizes this trait:
If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.
The key belief here is that you are the only person that knows what’s best for you. Now you just need to decide what it is that you want and go for it.
Summary
In summary these are some of the major character traits to look out for. They are traits that do not go very far in terms of achieving your goals and satisfying your dreams. In the next couple of weeks I will reveal approaches and techniques that can be used to change these bad habits.
The first step is to acknowledge and recognize any of the above behaviors in yourself. A full acceptance of this fact is necessary as acceptance is a precondition to change. By accepting your situation you place yourself in a position of power and can direct your attention on changing your situation.
This concept of changing your character traits is the same when fixing a blow up boat. You do not patch the entire boat; you localize the hole and fix the specific area. You can identify the issues by making the unconscious conscious, then consciously engage in changing the behavior.
