Narcissistic Abuse: The Worst Advice You Could Get
If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse—especially if you grew up with a narcissistic parent—this post will likely resonate with you. If you’ve ever felt stuck, invalidated, or exhausted from trying to “fix” yourself using bad advice, then keep reading.
Growing up with a narcissistic father meant my only point of reference was someone who constantly criticized me, drained me emotionally, teased me, and manipulated me. That was my normal.
Because of this, my nervous system was always on high alert—constantly scanning for threats.
For example, when I went out with friends, I wasn’t relaxed. I was scanning the environment for anyone trying to insult me, tease me, or take advantage of me. I had learned from an early age that someone was always plotting against me. This became my habit. My nervous system paid the price.
What I learned in my family followed me into my social life. I was never comfortable around people. My brain had made the association early on that being alone in my room was the safest option.
Naturally, this had consequences. I had very few friends. And because my nervous system was always running at 110%, I found it hard to meet new people or form connections.
People started seeing me as the type of person who kept to himself and didn’t go out much. And that’s when the bad advice started rolling in.
“Just Go Out and Be Among People”
If you’ve suffered narcissistic abuse, you’ve probably heard this one before.
“Just go out.” “Meet people.” “Make some friends.” “The more you go out, the more connections you’ll make.”
If you’ve never dealt with the long-term effects of narcissistic abuse, this advice might sound harmless—even helpful. But for someone like me, it was the worst advice possible.
Why?
Because I tried it. For years.
Every time I went out, I felt super uncomfortable.
My childhood trauma responses kicked in. My nervous system went into overdrive. Social interactions drained me.
The more I went out, the worse I felt.
I never got comfortable around people. I kept wondering, Why is this not working? Why am I still struggling?
Then, someone would come along with the same advice: Just go out more.
So I’d try again. And fail again. I kept pushing harder, but the harder I pushed, the worse it got. I was just failing harder.
Why This Strategy Backfires for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
I was forcing myself to go out. I was pushing through my internal resistance, but it got me nowhere.
The more I forced myself, the more I triggered my trauma responses.
For example, some nights, my body would flood with adrenaline—I’d feel wired, anxious, and overstimulated without knowing why.
Other nights, my body would shut down completely. I’d lose my voice. My brain and body would just refuse to cooperate.
And that’s when I finally understood:
I wasn’t failing because I wasn’t trying hard enough. I was failing because I was carrying the weight of unprocessed trauma.
“Just Go Out More” Is Also Invalidating
Another reason this is bad advice? Because many narcissistic abuse victims are already trying to go out and socialize.
We push ourselves. We put in effort. And we get minimal results because trauma is still weighing us down.
So when someone tells us, Just go out more, it feels like a slap in the face.
It completely disregards the effort we’re already making.
It makes us feel like we’re still not doing enough.
So we try to push even harder.
And what happens? We trigger more trauma. We feel even worse. And we spiral deeper into self-doubt and exhaustion.
The Moment I Realized This Strategy Was Useless
At one point, I was going out 5 to 7 times a week, forcing myself to be around people. And yet… I was getting nowhere.
Then, I noticed something.
I had a friend who only went out once or twice a week—and he had way more friends and better social connections than I did.
That’s when it hit me.
The strategy of “just go out and be among people” wasn’t working for me.
Not because I wasn’t trying hard enough. Not because I was socially awkward. Not because I wasn’t “putting myself out there.”
But because trauma was weighing me down.
And until I processed it, no amount of “going out” was going to change that.
What Actually Works for Narcissistic Abuse Victims?
If you’re struggling with socializing because of narcissistic abuse, I want to clarify something.
If you’re just shy or dealing with mild social anxiety, then yes, gradually exposing yourself to social situations might help.
But if you have a dysregulated nervous system from trauma, then forcing yourself into social situations won’t fix the root problem.
Instead of trying to “push through,” you need to face the trauma directly.
You need to process it, unpack it, and release it.
That’s the only way to free yourself from the past and become your authentic self.
Final Thoughts for Narcissistic Abuse Victims
If you’ve ever felt invalidated by people telling you to “just go out more,” I want you to know this:
- Your struggles are real.
- Your past experiences matter.
- You don’t have to force yourself into discomfort just to meet some unrealistic standard of socializing.
Healing comes first.
Socializing should feel natural and enjoyable, not like a battle against your own nervous system.
I’ll be sharing more content soon about how to deal with trauma. But in the meantime, you might find this article helpful on childhood trauma and external validation.
